So I haven't updated in a while.  This largely due to the fact that I have done much of interest as of late.  However, these past few days I've been spending a lot of time cleaning, reorganizing and redecorating my room.  I'm just like a one man Queer Eye...except without all the nice things and the insatiable craving for the cock!

And as I've been cleaning, I've come across lots of funny and bizarre things many of which will be given away to people who enjoy weird shit 'coughlikepossilbyjoejustinbryananderincoughcough.'  Oh, excuse me.  Anyway, one of the things I came across was this packet of papers from AP English.  Now almost everyday we had some sort of warm up exercise, and usally they were work sheets like the ones I came across.  Each one had to do with a specific literary element like TONE, SYNTAX and DETAIL.  There was an excerpt from a poem or a book or a lecture which you were to "Consider."  Then there where two questions related to the excerpt where we would "discuss" the work.  And in the final part we would "Apply" what we learned and write our own little ditty.  It is here that the fun began BECAUSE I DID NOT TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY AT ALL.  PARTLY IN THE NAME OF  SPITE AND MALICE, AND PARTLY BECAUSE OF ALL THE POTENTIAL FOR HUMOR, I CAME UP WITH THE BEST, MOST FUCKED UP REPLIES EVER.  And because I'm so proud of these I'm going to share them with you today.  Everything that was originally on the worksheet will be in bold.  The shit I came up with will be italicized.  Because that's how I roll.

Consider:
Shug come over and she and Sofia hug.

Shug say, Girl, you look like a good time, you do.

That when I notice that Shug talk and act sometimes like a man.  Men say stuff like that to women, Girl, you look like a good time.  Women always talk about hair and health.  How many babies living or dead, or got teef.  Not bout how some woman they hugging look like a good time.
-Alice Walker, The Color Purple

Apply:
Write a short paragraph about someone you know which, through the use or repetition, expresses a tone of admiration.  Share your paragraph with a partner.

(Note: Ok I must have been feeling particularly spiteful that day because this is what I shared with the class as my example).

Shug Dave come over and she and Sofia Joe  hug.

Shug Dave say, Girl, you look like a good time, you do.

That when I notice that Shug Dave talk and act sometimes like a man.  Men say stuff like that to women, Girl, you look like a good time.  Women always talk about hair and health.  How many babies living or dead, or got teef.  Not bout how some woman they hugging look like a good time.

(Note: I then came up with another one too.)

Joe Klems is so beautiful, Joe Klems is so spectacular in every way, Joe klems smells like the way baby’s faces look.  Joe Klems almost makes me forget about tacos.

Consider:

When I am too sad and too skinny to keep keeping, when I am a tiny thing against so many bricks, then it is I look at trees.

-Sandra Cisneros, The House on Mango Street

Apply:

Write a periodic sentence about getting a bad grade on a test.  Use Cisneros’ sentence as a model.  Share your sentence with a partner.

When I am too tire from working hard only to fail, yet I am too awake to sleep, it is then I burn copies of Jane Austen’s novels because, man, they sure burn good.

(Note: We were reading Pride and Prejudice at the time and I fucking hated it.  But we probably spent more time discussing that dainty piece of crap than any other book in the bloody class because the teacher was fucking in love with it.  I never forgave her for making me read that book.).

Apply:

Write three sentences that vividly describe a country scene.  In your description use at least two details drawn from the world of science.  Use your dictionary if you need to.  Remember that it is better to name a specific tree than to use the general word tree.  Share one of your sentences with the class.

The valley of the walnut trees looked like stomach with gastrointestinal problems.  It was as if a war hit, leaving only destruction, a few walnut trees and a cloud of mustard gas.  It was a fossil of it’s former self, a fossil make of walnuts.  Then, in the distance, a heard of monkies appeared wielding weapons, weapons made of walnut shells.  Oh God…the walnuts…the walnuts.

(Note: Notice how I proceeded to ignore a majority of the instructions. Do walnuts grow on trees?)

Apply:

Write a short description of an automobile accident.  Create a tone of complete objectivity—as if you were from another planet and had absolutely no emotional reaction to the accident.  Read your description to a partner and discuss the details, images, and diction that create your tone.

The car accident looked as if you shot 2 bannans out of 2 bannana cannons and they collided in midair.  This idea may sound unusual to you earthlings, but on my home planet Hoobajoob, where we wear pants on our heads and hamburgers eat people, it is perfectly acceptable.

(Note: Note the blatant mockery of the instructions and the references to both South Park and the Simpsons.

Apply:

Use an eating or drinking verb in a sentence which expresses anger about a parking ticket.  Do not use the verb to literally express eating or drinking.  Instead, express your anger through the verb.  Share your sentence with a partner.

My parking ticket made me so enraged I sautéed it and proceeded to (figuratively)  devour it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

(Note: Once again you can see the overly literal interpretation of the instructions which, you guessed it, is done out of spite and malice.  Although if I had the chance to do this again and reference the same movie, I would probably go with “My parking ticket enraged me so much that I rubbed lotion on its skin and then gave it the hose again.)

Apply:

Using Wilber’s poetry as a model, write a sentence which expresses stunned admiration for a stranger.  Use repetition of syntactical structure to create your tone.  Share your sentence with the class

I can’t forget how amazed, how completely astounded I was when the beautiful, NASCAR-shirt clad woman got out of the passenger’s seat and questioned the driver of the car in front of hers about their experience of learning to drive at Goodwill.

(Note: Ok some explanation; this was written on a Monday.  Over the previous weekend, I had gone to the movies.  In the parking lot, I witnessed to cars waiting at a stop sign.  Now presumably they were waiting because the driver of the first car wanted to make a left, and wouldn’t you know, cars were coming.  But for all I know the first car could have cut the second car off earlier before arriving at the stop sign.  For whatever reason, the passenger in the second car, a large women, gets out of the car and yells: “What the hell are you doing?  Where did you learn to drive, Goodwill?”  Ooo, burn.  Madam your superior wit is one for the ages.  But might I add that my retarded, deaf/mute cousin who speaks only in grunts could come up with a better line. The part about a NASCAR shirt was artistic liberty.)

Apply:

Take Cisneros’s phrase, “under a ceiling dusty with flies,” and write a new phrase by substituting the word dusty with a different adjective.  Explain to a partner the impact of the your new adjective on the sentence.

The tourists cowered in fear as they stared at the ceiling painted with flies and wondered what part of Disney World they were in.

(Note: This one is a personal favorite not only for the hilarious mental picture, but because I actually followed the directions…kinda.)

Apply:

Write a sentence about a car crash.  In your sentence invert the normal order of a subject and verb.  Try to make your sentence sound natural and powerful.  Share your sentence with a partner.

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley…as it raced down the hill completely out of control.

Jason Sheridan; fighting the MAN (the MAN=incompetent people I don’t like) since…well at least 2002.

Oooh, this my shit, this my shit [4x]

Let me hear you say, this shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This shit is bananas 
B-A-N-A-N-A-S 
Again, the shit is bananas 
B-A-N-A-N-A-S 
This shit is bananas 
B-A-N-A-N-A-S 

Wow.

"This is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause," bemoans Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) as the galactic Senate cheers dictator-in-waiting Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) while he announces a crusade against the Jedi.

"If you're not with me, then you're my enemy," Hayden Christensen's Anakin — soon to become villain Darth Vader — tells former mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). The line echoes Bush's international ultimatum after the Sept. 11 attacks, "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."

Ok the first one is George Lucas trying to be insightful and clever, something he tries very hard, too hard, to do in the movie.  The second quote...I mean...Bush doesn't have a trademark on the whole 'you're with us or against us thing.'  And Lucas has said for years that for years that Star Wars is basically about the battle of good versus is evil.  I think he may have also said something about it being like the rise of fascism in Europe.  I don't know, and I honestly think Lucas is losing it anyway. 

Honestly if there are people out there who are boycotting this because of vague parallels with the current administration please stop it.  We know you just like to complain about things, and even if Lucas did do this on purpose who give a shit; just because you like the president doesn't mean he's above criticism.